


"Should" can be the hardest word

by ernads



Category: Killjoys (TV)
Genre: Collection: Purimgifts Day 1, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 17:02:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6292618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ernads/pseuds/ernads
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dutch has high expectations of herself. Too high. However, when she is on the verge of a breakdown, she had at least the sense to head for the right place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Should" can be the hardest word

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MercyBuckets](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercyBuckets/gifts).



> With thanks and love for my Language Betta who is always so willing to help; this story would have much less coherent without her help. 
> 
> This story occurs between "Kiss Kiss, Bye Bye" and "Come the Rain"

It has been a long 10 days, and she was parched. . She has not slept well and her head ached horribly. Her chest felt tight and her insides were numb. Perhaps the last was a blessing, sometimes numbness can be a comfort.

She hoped that the Royal would be dark and quiet. That she would be able to find a dark corner, alone, nurse a drink or two, and lick her wounds clean in peace. No such luck. 

Her arm twitched. However, Dutch was never one to back off. 

She headed for one of the smaller tables, behind the bar and sat down quietly. 

“ You’re looking positively radiant, Dutch”, rose a sarcastic voice behind her.

She turned around and saw Pree pouring her a glass and grinning at her. Great, she thought. Here goes my hope for some peace.

“Why, thanks, what a charmer you are” 

He laughed. “always eager to please”

“I’ve just haven’t had the best few days lately”, she admitted, reluctantly. 

His expression turned sympathetic. “I know. How’s Johnny doing?”

“Pawter knows her work, no doubt. I don’t think any other doctor would have been able to save him, considering the shape he was in when she got to him. He is recovering, slowly but steadily. “

“But I don’t know if he will ever forgive D’Avin. We didn’t see him for several days: as soon as it was certain that Johnny will recover, he vanished on us.”.

“Yeah, he’s on a warrant”. he said

She swallowed. “Alone?”

“Yeah, he is doing solo missions now”. 

Her heart clenched. We really are broken now. 

There was a pregnant pause between them.  
“Dutch”, he asked. “What really happened back there?”  
“You know what happened. You spent hours with Johnny in the hospital. He tried to kill both of us”. 

“And”?

“And what? Isn’t that enough”?

“It does not account for that guilty look you’re wearing all over yourself:”  
“It’s just that I feel so stupid. I should have seen this coming. I should have handled…”

“Stop”,he said, without his usual sarcastic expression. “ Please stop blaming yourself. This is not your fault, Dutch. And it’s not really D’avin’s fault either, you know. The guilty one here is Jaeger”. 

Her heart lightened somewhat, but she doggedly went on. 

“It’s just that...my judgment was clouded. I freaked out. My only thought was for D’avin -to get him away from Jaeger. If I had been thinking clearly, I would have realized how troubled he was. Like a ticking bomb. And that we were all in danger.”

“No one could have anticipated that, Dutch”. 

“I could have! I should have, that’s what I’ve been raised for! How can I protect my partner, my team, if my head is all clouded by emotion?”

“Dutch”, he leaned forward and fixed his eyes on her until she met his earnest gaze. “ This is not your fault. A very bad person did a horrible thing, and all you did was try to survive,protect your team, and fix this.

You have nothing to be ashamed of in your decision making: You made the very best decision possible in a very bad situation. You are not responsible in any way for D’avin’s actions. And you know what? Neither is he. And the person who is responsible has paid in full for her actions.”

She smiled at him, and this time the smile reached her eyes, although there was still pain in them. “Thanks for that, Pree. I know you are right, it’s just so hard…I tried telling myself this is not my fault. But for some reason, I’m not nearly as persuasive ”

He smiled that familiar grin of his at her. “No problem darling, that’s what I’m here for. All part of the job description. Here, have another drink,on the house. And then off you go to sleep”.

She gratefully took the cup from him and sipped at it, thinking that for the first time in 10 days, she may actually be able to do that.“


End file.
